As Wes mentioned last week, we at LxL have a very strong love/hate relationship with Christmas music. Last week we focused on the rare Christmas gems that exist in music, so this week we decided to focus on the hate side of that relationship. Just as every sweet needs its sour, every Bing Crosby needs its Bryan Adams. Below are a few of the Christmas songs we loathe the most. The ones that really help induce a month of radio banishment, a lot of hair pulling as well as teeth cringing, and classic holiday depression/alcoholism. So below we give you our inspiration for wearing ear plugs until January 1st. Now let’s get scroogy! Onto the list:
10. “Wonderful Christmastime” – Paul McCartney
The best worst Christmas song of all time. Unfortunately, Paul was not as bold in his Christmas composition as John was in his. You could even say John’s is even aptly sub-titled (War Is Over) because he clearly won this one. For more on this track, check out Wes’s article here.
9. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” – Jackson 5
Proof that it’s not always the performance that ruins Christmas music, but also the content. Jackson 5 actually sound pretty good with their Motown rendition and all, but the bottom line is that nobody likes a snitch.
8. “Do You Here What I Here?” – Bing Crosby
The message of the song is good and all, but get to the point already. This is quite possibly the most boring song ever written. Even Bing himself sounds like he is falling asleep as he mutters through this tune.
7. “The Little Drummer Boy” – Big Crosby and David Bowie
The only thing worse than attaching the words “pa rum pa pum pum” after each and every line of a song, is watching two men that look like they are on the verge of death perform said song. And the introduction to this video is almost as bad as the song itself. It’s like the few cheap minutes at the beginning of a porn that tries to establish some sort of BS storyline before the terribly dirty things that are about to follow actually occur. Here we have the same scenario.
6. “All I Want for Christmas Is Two Front Teeth”
As with most of these Christmas tracks, this song is terrible no matter who you have performing it. I hope Santa knocks out the rest of any kid’s teeth that sings it just to prove the point that the song shouldn’t be sung.
5. “Do They Know Its Christmas” – Band Aid
A collective group of overwhelmingly whiney 80’s artists (Wham, Sting, U2, etc) come together to tell Africa that they are poor. They ignorantly state that Africa must not know it’s Christmas due to their poor standard of living (side note: most of Africa is Islamic to begin with, not Christian) and then really shove it in there face by telling the rest of the world: “Well tonight, thank God, it’s them instead of you.” I refuse to believe that this song did any “aiding” in African relief at all. Additionally, I wish all of the participating artist’s careers would have ended after they made this song.
4. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” – Elmo and Patsy
Although the idea of seeing an old lady getting trounced by a reindeer is quite funny, this twangy annoyance excuse of a song is just unbearable to listen to.
3. “I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas” – Gayla Peevey
Another Christmas novelty song that could make Jeff Foxworthy sound like The Beatles. This nasally little brat deserves nothing for Christmas but a swift kick to the head for unleashing this disaster on the rest of the world.
2. “Christmas Time” – Bryan Adams
Terrible Christmas songs and heavy repetition seem to go hand in hand. Bryan Adams himself is reason to revolt, but this song is particularly atrocious. “There is something about Christmas time” … that just makes me want to punch Bryan Adams in the face.
1. “Christmas Shoes” – NewSong
This song could make Jesus himself hate his own holiday. It is the essence of a cheese-dick Christmas song, and should be banished from all Holiday playlists. This failure of a song was originally written for the made for TV movie by the same name that almost ended Rob Lowe’s career indefinitely. Luckily a ghost from Christmas past gave ole’ Rob a visit one year to show him of his misstep.
The “just missed our list” list:
Wes: “Funky, Funky, Xmas” – New Kids On the Block
Wes likes his Christmas funky, but despite popular belief, New Kids On the Block is just not the group to turn to while looking for funk. This song would maybe be a bit more suited for Parliament or Sly and the Family Stone. Hearing 5 white boys try to pull something of this nature off is just a recipe for a terrible Christmas.
Todd: “Last Christmas” – Wham!
It’s bad enough that we had to listen to Wham! whine their way through the 80’s. Give us a break for the holidays at least.
Austin: “Silver Bells/Come On Ring Those Bells/Jingle Bells”
As a young lad, Christmas was quite a traumatic day for Austin. Not knowing any different, he grew up thinking that Santa was just a mean old drunk that would stumble around the family Christmas party just to heckle everyone there. Santa would also carry around a sack of coal that he would throw at the children as they opened their presents while ringing his bell. Turns out that this was actually just Austin’s estranged drunk uncle whom he’d never seen otherwise. Because of this, Austin is now a classic simantrophobic (fear of bells). Just a whisper of the word “bells” and images of coal wrapped as gifts floods Austin’s memories, putting him locked in his room for the remainder of the Holiday season.
So there is the list. Let us know what we unforgivably missed, or got right, but still feel free to just rip on us in general …