It’s no secret, or even a matter of opinion at this point. It’s just a cold hard fact. The Grammys suck. Everyone knows and understands this, yet somehow, they still exist. Not only do they exist, but they exist on a larger than life scale. Yet not once have I ever heard someone in real life or media claim that the Grammys have ever held any sort of relevance in the music world … Ok, I take that back … I DO remember hearing hipsters last year claiming that Arcade Fire was “breaking barriers” and “proving something for indie musicians” when they won that worthless hunk of fake gold for whatever bull-spit category they won it for. In contrast, I also remember hearing Nickelback fans rant and start a blogspot called “Who the F*$k is Arcade Fire”. I think it’s fair to say that neither of these stereotypes should represent music anyways. Anyone who cares about music realizes that Grammys hold as much value as my MC Hammers savings account. It’s quite literally a song and dance put on by the record companies to maximize profit in an industry that isn’t very good at making profits anymore. So they do what they can, and exploit what songs made money in television commercials that year, and pray that people still think their input is worth anything.
Well as you can tell, this weeks list represents all how awful the Grammys truly are. Since every category in every year has endless reasons as to why these awards should be banned from society and never spoken of again, it was very hard to come by a good technique for judging which offenses are worse than others. Yes, we would have loved to have mentioned Michael Bolton winning a Grammy, or Queen Latifah winning best rap performance over Big Daddy Kane, but we didn’t have time for everything. So we decided to just pool together the worst, most tasteless examples we could find, and maybe you will agree. Enough with my ranting, on with the list.
10. Jethro Tull Winning for Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance
Unforgivable Offense: Although being a flautist is fairly badass, I don’t quite agree that it warrants a hard rock/metal nomination. Furthermore, the bands nominated were as follows: Metallica, Iggy Pop, AC/DC, and Jane’s Addiction. Jethro Tull doesn’t come near that genre with a 10 foot flute.
9. Milli and Vanilli Winning for Best New Artist
Unforgivable Offense: Lip Syncing, Duh! When people here that Milli and Vanilli lip synced, they tend to just think that they just lip synced a pre-recorded version of themselves singing live. Well the problem was, not only were they blatantly caught lip syncing when the music stopped during a performance, but they were also discovered to be lip syncing to vocals recorded by other artists. Even on the album that won the Grammy, Milli and Vanilli NEVER sang! I guess all it takes to win a Grammy, is actually nothing. You can do nothing and you will still be handed one of these awards.
8. Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” Winning for Best Rock Song
Unforgivable Offense: Creed winning any award, period. I almost blame God for not striking down these blasphemers from the get-go. To be fair, I did hear that lead singer Scott Stapp won this award off one of Sting’s eBay auctions. After Scott had gained possession of the award, the Grammys thought, “Hell, we might as well make it look legit.”
7. A Taste of Honey Winning for Best New Artist
Unforgivable Offense: A Taste of Honey won this award over fellow nominated act/legend/hero Elvis Costello. Do you know who A Taste of Honey is? … That’s what we thought.
6. Plain White T’s, “Delilah” Being Nominated for Best Rock Song
Unforgivable Offense: This song was nominated for an award. This song, above ^, was simply CONSIDERED to represent the best song of the year 2008. Boy if that doesn’t make you want to curl up with a few bottles of Rohypnol to make you forget about ’08 nothing will.
5. The “New Artist” Category in General
Unforgivable Offense: This outlandish category will decorate artists years after said artist has begun producing music, just to make money off of huge singles. One of the more recent offenses I noticed was MGMT getting nominated for an album a full 3 years after it’s release, just because it got big. Now the Grammys do state clearly in their rules that the “New Artist” category is defined by the year the artist became relevant. Is that not a slap in the face to artists like Feist that had been around and producing music for years, but since her song blew up in an Apple commercial she can be nominated for an award now?
4. Grammy Roll Call:
Sting (16) + Sheryl Crow (9) + Black Eyed Peas (6) + Celine Dion (5) = 36 Grammys
Jimi Hendrix (0) + Led Zeppelin (0) + Bob Marley (0) + The Who (0) = 0 Grammys
Unforgivable Offense: I think the roll call speaks for itself on this one.
3. Talking Heads Winning for Best Packaging
Unforgivable Offense: This is the ONLY Grammy that Talking Heads have ever won, and it was for the cover art of a box set. Never mind the endless amounts of brilliant music they have produced over the years, the Grammys awarded them for their cover art … of a box set. I’m sure David Byrne probably didn’t go up onstage to accept that award. However, if I were David, I most certainly would have. I would have also placed the Grammy on the floor of the stage, then de-pants’d myself, then I would have shat all over it.
2. Baha Men, “Who Let the Dog’s Out” Winning for Best Dance Recording
Unforgivable Offense: In this brilliant song, these men of Baha ask, nay, beg the question, “Who Let the Dog’s Out?” The question still to this day has only been answered by yet another question. The same, repetitive response over and over of “WHO?, WHO”?, WHO?, WHO? WHO?” I’d like to say that it is due to it’s high-powered philosophical questioning that it won the award. Or maybe it’s just because it’s so darn easy to drop into every single Air Bud trailer that has come out since. Who, who, who who who, knows really.
1. The New Vaudeville Band’s “Winchester Cathedral” Winning for for Best Rock & Roll Recording
Unforgivable Offense: The year was 1967. This means “Winchester Cathedral” (the equivalent of a novelty song) had successfully beat out “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys, “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles, Mama’s & Papa’s “Monday, Monday”, the Monkee’s “Last Train to Clarksville”. Not to mention the countless other epic staples of rock & roll records that dropped that year. It was 1967! The year is lousy with legendary artists and records that dropped that year. Jimi Hendrix alone released 2 albums that year, one of them being Axis: Bold as Love, which is one of my personal favorite albums, and contains incredibly legendary tracks of Rock and/or Roll. Instead, the Grammys found more promise and substance in this fine little tune right here.
Our Grammy list just missed-
Wes: Liza Minnelli Winning the Living Legend Grammy to cement her EGOT
Very few artist have ever EGOT’d (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony … otherwise known as a slew of worthless bullsh*t). Liza and Whoopie are essentially the only recognizable two, unless your familiar with composers. The funniest part of Liza’s EGOT is that her Grammy was given to her for a randomly made up category, the “Living Legend Grammy”. HA
Austin: Celine Dion Winning for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
This made Knepp sore. Real sore in fact. Particularly due to the fact that Celine’s dirty whorish voice beat out Austin’s long time love interest Natalie Imbruglia for her lifetime accomplishment “Torn”. That song got Austin through a lot in middle school. It also got him through a lot in High School. And I’ll be damned if it didn’t get him through a helluva lot in College, Law School, and his most recent divorce as well. Long live Natalie, and may Celine be damned to the Vegas strip forever.
Todd: Eric Clapton’s “Layla” (Unplugged Version) Winning for Best Rock Song
“Layla” as recorded by Derek and the Dominoes is hailed as one of the greatest rock songs of all time, and I’m inclined to agree. You are pairing the guitar stylings of Dwayne Allman with the likes of Eric Clapton in Eric’s most passionate, gut wrenchingly beautiful song of his career. It also contains one of the greatest piano outro’s in rock and roll history. However that did not even garner a nomination from the Grammys. Yet years later when Eric decided to get drunk onstage, play it acoustic, and rip the balls right off of it, it turned into a rock and roll hit according to the Grammys. Even more so than Nirvana’s “Smells Like Team Spirit” which got snubbed.
So there is the list. Let us know what we unforgivably missed, or got right, but still feel free to just rip on us in general.